Tool, "Schism"

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers
Between supposed lovers

And I know the pieces fit

from malanai.

( i have a goodreads account now, too )

going back through antiochecho's lj for surveyness.

( and this is what i found )

( i have never seen this one before! points for originality. )

truth is what's all around us when we're not looking.

i've had visitors all weekend. it's lovely, but man am i tired of people today. i may want people around again later, but at the moment, i am perfectly happy sitting around my house all by myself and entertaining no one. on the myers-briggs scale, i am almost perfectly situated between E and I. today, it shows. (the rest is NFP, if you were wondering.)

i know it's now technically may 4 instead of may 3, but i'm still up. so happy (slightly belated) 26th to the quakersoapdunce, wherever he is.

i lost one of my oldest friends on sunday and found out today. i've known ben since i was ten years old. i haven't seen him in ten years, but he figured in one of my stories as recently as tuesday. he will always be part of my personal folklore, and he will always be in my heart.

ben, i don't know why you removed yourself from this earth. i wish i could have helped to ease whatever pain you were going through. i hope you've finally found what you were looking for, who you wanted to be all along. i miss you.

happy birthday to seamonkeysunite!

ok, so we're talking people i didn't know offline first, right? because that narrows the field considerably. if we count all my lj friends, then we go back to 1981! my sister, angel_machine, is on lj, so i've known her the longest. past that, faerieem and i were in second grade together.

if we are talking people i met online first, but not necessarily on lj, then i would have to say jinxremoving. we met online through thisredrock in 1997, corresponding through email and reading one another's self-made online journals, before the advent of the blog. we lost touch after a couple of years, but then i went into the edinburgh comm on lj about five years ago and asked about her, figuring that she knew everyone in town, and sure enough there she was. we have not yet met in person, but we are negotiating doing so sometime this year, and it will be epic.

at the same time, thisredrock and i were on an ani difranco listserv run by zonereyrie, where we talked to _fierceflawless about picking up some extra concert tickets in april 1998. unfortunately, one of our compatriots gave her awful directions and she never found us :( but i found *her* again about a year later, and we did finally get the chance to meet up not quite a year after that.

and finally, if we are talking people i met on livejournal first, the list is even shorter. it's hard for me to remember just who was around first, but it comes down to karafaerie, mlfoley, sanmiguelmalo, and softanimal. so thanks, eljay!

thanks to everyone who was concerned about me the other week. i'm doing better. i talked to my counselor and we're working on it. i managed to get through the last few days of work and school, and now i'm on spring break and feeling pretty relieved.

i'm gonna go unplug for a while, but i'm still around. *hugs* to you all :) you don't know what it meant for me to know someone was listening.

it's a survey! via jinxremoving.

( i've had bacon today, just so you know. )

haven't gotten out of bed yet. it's 11:30. should have been at work 4 hours ago. should be heading to class now. i am going to post this, and then i am going to get up and brush my teeth and hair and get dressed, and then i am going to drag my ass to class. and tomorrow, when i go to my counseling appointment, i am going to tell my counselor that i have been sleeping hours over my alarm for weeks now because i don't want to get out of bed. i'll also tell her that i've nearly barged into the office several times over the last few weeks, asking for emergency help because i can't face living.

i don't know what i have. adjustment disorder, atypical depression, no idea. i should ask what my diagnosis is. i *can* have fun. i can even feel normal for bits of time. but i want to sleep forever. eating is an afterthought, except when it's all-consuming. i'm starting to drop responsibilities and then feel racked with guilt about it. the worst part right now is that i'm slipping back into my old pattern of withdrawing rather than asking for help. i put on the brave face as long as i can, and then i go hide.

eta: it's not exactly that i'm suicidal. i don't want to leave this earth. i just start obsessing about the size of the hole the bullet would make in my head. or how long it would take before i stopped trying to breathe underwater. the thoughts grip me and won't shake loose.

from libidoergosum.

( whee )

from carolyn hax's column in the washington post. her readers are writing in while she's on vacation.

On people who claim to be "too nice":

There is nothing nice about never opening yourself up to possible disagreement while others around you do take that risk. If you think about it, it's a form of manipulation, control and superiority.

If you never speak your mind, then you get to retain an image of kindness when you might actually not be kind. Not that you aren't, necessarily, but a lot of people seem to confuse niceness with kindness. I know "nice" people who would never speak up to defend someone being mistreated in a group, for example.

I would ditch the "nice" label and instead think about what you are avoiding or hiding by not speaking your mind.

Besides, speaking your mind isn't the opposite of nice. And avoiding conflict isn't about trying not to hurt other people, it's about trying not to have someone think negatively of you. You can have "conflict" without being a jerk.



i hadn't considered that. maybe i need to.

working on things.

okay, this is sort of the short version of what i stole borrowed from jinxremoving last year. this is a reminder; somebody tell me and i'll try to do the detailed version.

( the months )

film meme from jinxremoving

( to the answers, then )

either northern exposure or wonderfalls. i'm super sad that wonderfalls got canceled before we got to find out just where it was going, just when all the relationships started getting really interesting and the characters started to grow. i would totally call a do-over on that decision if i were the network. and northern exposure...well, if i could live somewhere like that, with people like those, how happy i would be...every time i am in the dj booth lately, i think of chris in the morning.

According to the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, you are 33% straight and 67% gay.

In subjective terms, this means you are predominantly homosexual; more than incidentally heterosexual.



funny that my "more than incidentally" is covered entirely by a collection of kisses etc (mostly from high school, so don't make too much out of the "etc") and my present relationship :)